The Patient

December 15, 2016 § 21 Comments


Patient: Everyone hates me. They tell me they wish I was never born. They tell me they wish I would die in a fire. Explode into tiny little motes of existential failure. They say my mother was a jackal.

Psychiatrist: I wish I could tell you that was just paranoia. But everyone does hate you. I hate you too. I too wish you would die in a fire. I too think your mother was a jackal.

Patient: You seem unprofessional.

Psychiatrist: What can I tell you, 2016? You just basically sucked in every way. I mean, go find one person who says 2016 was his year.

Patient: I just saw someone the other day screaming 2016 was his year.

Psychiatrist: Was he running in traffic?

Patient: Yes, come to think of it, he was.

Psychiatrist: Then that was sarcasm.

Patient: But I can’t help being born 2016 anymore than a snake can help being born a snake, or a paid-off congressman can help being born a paid-off congressman, or a sack of heroin cut with deadly rat poison can help being born a sack of heroin cut with deadly rat poison.

Psychiatrist: The sack of heroin cut with deadly rat poison at least came with the beautiful dream of heroin. You are just the rat poison.

Patient: I’m not feeling any better. In fact I’m feeling worse.

Psychiatrist: Let me prescribe you an overdose of antidepressants.

Patient: I’ll see myself out.

Psychiatrist: You killed Prince.

(on the way out, 2016 sees the next patient, 2017)

2016: You look so sleek and new, 2017. Like Justin Bieber when he was playing for street money and doing YouTube videos. What are you doing here? Everyone loves you.

2017: I’m scared. There is so much riding on me. I’m the shiny gold coin at the bottom of the dumpster fire of you. And gold is probably a good idea, since you wrecked the economy. Any advice for me?

2016: Stay off the internet.


§ 21 Responses to The Patient

  • Polly says:

    This is awesome! About time you got back to your blog. I’m anxious to see the responses.


  • POLLY, are you sure you exit? You seem to be such a foil for your daughter.

    • Polly Hepinstall says:

      Sandra, I’m not sure what you mean by “foil for your daughter” but I am willing to be (or try to be) ANYTHING she wants or needs or wishes me to be. She is my best friend and favorite playmate (except on days one of her clever sisters catches her napping and steps in front).

  • Sam ONeill says:

    That was me in the traffic, thanks for the nod!

  • terry stacy says:

    Doctor: So be of good cheer; consider there”s not enough time left for you to go much more wrong.

    Patient: So I should relax even though there’s likely a global take-over of energy sources, and any dough that defies the cookie-cutter is tossed out?

    Doctor: Think positive, 2016, there are babies born to put things right.

    Patient: Do they live in Flint? Allepo?

    2017: Babies?? Future? Not sure about that- the babies set to ring in the
    new year don’t look that great. Bedraggled, already wobbly.

    Doctor: Depressed, 2017? Let’s get you some meds for that- no promises
    though, could be contaminated, will collapse you budget, and will enrich guys that have no regard for you whatsoever.

    2017: But I’m just a baby, why be angry with me?

    Doctor: Cause you’re already over and done with, kid. Let’s just imagine
    darling 2020-now that’s a BABY!

  • Bob says:

    Stay off the internet.

  • Andrew Asherson says:

    Do people still spend time on the internet. . . ??? That’s just not plaus. . . ahhhh . . . yeah!! What the hell MEDS for everyone!!! Whoo Hoooo

  • Laura D. says:

    Thanks for bringing some much needed laughter at the end of an abysmal year.
    My dad passed away in August and we are getting through the holiday barrage as quietly as possible. At my cousin’s 2016 open house we all wrote something down on a piece of paper and then blew up the 2015 box with fireworks. Looking forward to an even bigger blaze on new year’s day as we torch 2016.

    I hope you are well and that your family is healthy and you will be together for this holiday season.

    Safe travel!

    Love & friendship,
    Laura D. from BBDO & Deutsch days

    • Laura I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad. I know you guys are a close family. Weird I still remember that hike we took in Will Rogers mountains. I hope you can make it to my book party in NY in the Spring. much love and better things in 2017…

      • Laura D. says:

        Hi Kathy,

        Thanks for your note. I appreciate it very much. Didn’t know you had a book signing coming up. Where in NY and what day/time? I’d love to see you and celebrate the publication of your latest book. Please keep me posted and I’ll see what’s happening here and whether I can make it to NYC.

        Happy holidays!


  • Sally A. Peckham says:

    You took the theme of my year and said it so beautifully. 🙂

  • Thank you Sally. I wish it was not the theme of your year and I hope next year is better 🙂

  • Dylan Lee says:

    Trump Loves Hate! Go 2017!

  • Your enthusiasm is infectious Dylan.
    Look I’ve attempted an exclamation point: !

  • Andrew Asherson says:

    I just stopped by to say hello. . . “Hello”. That, just,
    felt good!

  • Well hello Andrew! Heard you’re doing really well at your new job. Thanks for stopping by!

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