Jesus Would Take The Middle Seat
September 7, 2015 § 42 Comments
I’m on a plane right now
Houston to LA
and I’m thinking
Jesus would take the middle seat.
He’d give me the window so I could see the clouds.
Maybe clouds bore him.
Maybe he sees his own face in a cloud
Or on a wall
Or a muffin
And he thinks it’s a miracle.
Jesus doesn’t put his seat back.
Because there might be a Roman soldier behind him with bad knees
And Jesus forgives everything.
Jesus listens carefully to the flight attendant’s instructions
Jesus asks for water, but when he touches it, it turns to wine.
The stewardess says, that will be five bucks and Jesus pays for it without complaining.
I don’t know what to say to Jesus
But I need to say something because, Jesus.
I say he looks considerably darker
than his likenesses on Etsy watercolors
And he says, there’s been a bit of pigment revisionism going on in recent centuries
Which sounds cool when Jesus says it
And I say, you know they darkened OJ Simpson on the cover of Time Magazine during his trial,
And Jesus nods
Because maybe he’s followed the trial
Or maybe he’s just being polite.
I start rambling on about how impressive it was to me that he forgave douchey mankind
And ask him what happened to the lamb on his lap in the paintings
And if he took that lamb to heaven
Where it is currently still young and still cute.
A bead of sweat rolls down my face because I’m sounding like an idiot.
I almost ask him if Mel Gibson is like the embarrassing friend you have to invite to parties,
But I stop myself and say instead, “Kanye West thinks he’s you.”
He has a nice smile and he smells like a feather would smell
If lambs had feathers
Flying like Jesus is like flying with the biggest celebrity in the universe
like, three Oprahs
I want to ask him if he’s mad that I never could quite commit
and if dogs and fish see him at the end
and if he always flies American.
I always pictured him on Jet Blue.
And I don’t want the plane to land
Because I never quite believed.
And now I do.
I believe I believe I believe.