THE FIRST RULE OF GOAT CLUB

March 21, 2013 § 13 Comments

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The first rule of goat club is to admit you are a goat.  I don’t know exactly when it happened but that’s what I am.

I used to be a squirrel.  Very thoughtful about the nuts I gathered and buried. I read books. I saw interesting movies. I wrote things.  I avoided my mother, who owns a shotgun and hates squirrels.

But the internet has changed me. Now I eat what’s given to me, 24/7.

I know things I shouldn’t know about people with no last names. Justin and Selena and Miley and Liam and Snooki and Kayne and Taylor and Harry except they’re not together anymore.

I don’t really know many celebrities by their work – only by the rumors that follow them, their fake feuds, the time they appeared in public without makeup or got a new tattoo or ran to Starbucks clutching Seraphina’s tiny hand or carried Suri down a Manhattan street though for God’s sake isn’t she about thirteen right now?

Don’t eat that! You might say.  Too late. I already did. I’m a goat.  And here’s the worst part. I am a goat that thinks it’s too good for Pop Culture. That knows the Bachelor is cruel (watching it) American Idol is insipid (watching it) that I don’t care about an article on whether Taylor Swift is mad at Tina Fey (my hoof spasmodic, uncontrollable, as it clicks on it)

My clicks, my eyeballs, my attention registers somewhere out there, joining the pulses and bits and flashes of light of other reluctant goats, feeding the machine that in turn, feeds upon our souls, dispensing new idiotic information, chasing down new idiotic celebrities, capturing them on fascinating Soul Cycle runs and tanning on a beach in St. Tropez and wearing dresses that become transparent under flashing lights and being late for their court dates and maybe being secretly gay or secretly pregnant or maybe having a secret about someone else’s secret during a secretive afternoon in their trailer in between scenes of some scripted reality show.

I am so way too good for this, I mumble, but it all comes out as Baaaaahhhh.

I keep watching, reading, clicking, my four stomachs working overtime.

It’s not even culture. It’s culture’s detritus. The litter, the scraps. This useless ridiculous stream of (forgive me Maaaaa) bullshit.

I once read Toni Morrison’s Beloved. Now I know John Hamm doesn’t wear underwear.

I know you’re thinking.  Just get off the internet, stupid goat.

Can’t hear you. Chewing.

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§ 13 Responses to THE FIRST RULE OF GOAT CLUB

  • Valerie Krause says:

    I too am a goat. I pretend like I am taking a break, waiting for inspiration, rewarding myself. I read not one, not two, but three articles about Jon Hamm not wearing underwear. Click. click. baaaaahh

  • Lee D says:

    How very true this is Kathy. And even though I so painfully don’t try to avoid this madness, I immediately regret consuming it in the same way I regret eating Taco Bell seconds after it slithers down my throat. I guess I too am a goat.

  • sarasmile101 says:

    Ye poor goat…don’t fret, it’s all ok. Take a break from reality TV and try the joy of full escapism by watching the Walking Dead… I’ve been through nearly all three seasons in a week since I’m down with a cold plus bad allergies plus an eye infection. My new theory is that we are all walking dead. The DEAD walking dead have less problems but are still in the struggle even if it is only a hungry, growling, body rotting sort of monotony of a struggle. The LIVING people walking around have only a certain amount of time to go before an evil human or zombie get them so they are acutely aware that their days numbered and aren’t exactly having a good time. And anyone who feels they are alive and well is probably infected and going to turn any day now. I’m infected already and am totally considering removing my head and pickling it in a jar for safe keeping or at least until season four. So if nothing else the Walking Dead will empower you – or make you very satisfied with the way happier goat world option, right? Life on the other side of the zombie fence always looks brighter so embrace your goat experience and jump, frolic eat hay or whatever the heck they do. For tomorrow the goats may be mashed up for a yummy vindaloo. xoxo

    • I have never watched the Walking Dead. Is it similar to the Walking Goat, a show about me? Maybe we can watch it sometime together.

      • sarasmile101 says:

        Whenever the Walking Goat, starring the lovely Hepinstall, airs I’m gonna be all over that! It’s the next sublime movement in TV broadcasting to out-do the whole reality show craze. Watching a truly creative person such as yourself devouring reality shows and descending into total Goat-alization (or Goatalism?) will be pure goat-GOLD! I admire your ability to fully adapt to this new life. I’m just too darn slow to keep up with the herd. I’m the under-achiever goat if you will. I’m just not up on my entertainment news like a proper goat would be. I forget to check my email and text at red lights…I’m a total goat-out-of-the-loop. You see everyone was loving on Walking D. back when it started but I hadn’t worked up to it yet so I missed out on all the gab about this fictional drama in a non-existant world that may or may not have some actual goats in it. It’s like I was waiting for the Great pumpkin when I should have been treat o’treating with everyone else. Now I truly feel my loss and need to actively goat-herd my friends’ attention back to the show I finally gnawed on so I have someone to yak to about it all…it’s just no fun to chew the fat by myself…! Oh and I LOVE the AMAZING goat part in the Taylor Swift video! Google it if you missed it- which you probably didn’t but thank goodness I have a husband who keeps an eye on TS for me or I’d be at a severe loss. Swift needs to have YOU in her next music vid wearing a goat-hat and non-stop yelling – AAAAAAH…!!! – AAAAAAHH…!! ; P

  • cindymlove says:

    Oh no. Did ‘Rabbit of 4’ have anything to do with this? She must have signed you up for a subscription to People magazine like herself. Misery loves company.

    Sincerely,
    Rabbit of 3

  • I can’t believe you are only one Rablet behind the current champion Rabbit! There’s no time like the present to catch up, Cindy!

  • You are brilliant — well, you know — for a goat. By the way, what’s a ‘Snooki’?

  • You don’t know what a Snooki is? I envy you, Eric.

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