I’m sorry I ate your son – a note from the Witch

October 31, 2012 § 22 Comments

I am so sorry, neighbors

That I ate your son

Last night on Halloween

To say “my bad” would be so empty and glib right now

So let me just say

That fat Bobby was delicious.

I know it’s not the same level of praise

That a note from his 2nd grade teacher

Talking about how kind and smart and wonderful Bobby was

Would have been

If you’d ever gotten one

But it will have to do.

I wish I could give you a motive

It was just that when he rang my doorbell in his bunny suit

And chirped, Give up the candy, Fat Ass

I was starving from the unnecessary restrictions

Of the Dukan diet

Popular in France

But brutal in America

Where we are not used to denying ourselves.

Anyway I’m sorry, I’m sorry

I can’t take it back

I can only send over the leftovers with instructions to heat covered at 350 degrees

Should you be in need of comfort food

Which you must be.

I cannot claim the act was spontaneous

Not after he simmered for nine hours

In my big stew pot

I can tell you though

That he was happy til the end

Playing Angry Birds on his Iphone

And getting out twice

Once to kick my black cat

And once to urinate his name on the living room wall

Which he misspelled

But which was done with such a calligraphic flair

It portended a career as a graphic designer

Had he lived.

Anyway I’m going to try to be a better neighbor

Keep my hedges trimmed, and the crow volume minimal

Before 8 in the morning

All the while knowing

I will always be the witch who ate your son

But may his memory shine on

As the biggest brat in the neighborhood

I mean as a dear dear boy

I’m sorry, I’ve had no carbs today

It makes me say the wrong thing

I won’t mention the bouquet of roses I got from his teacher

Nor the long line of neighbors silently mouthing “thank you”

As they pass by my window

This will only compound your grief

Let me just end this by saying

I’m terribly sorry

And in my defense

I did spare your bony self-involved daughter

And though I am a witch and have no children of my own

I have to say that 13 is a little old to be trick or treating

Dressed up like a whore.

Your neighbor

The witch


§ 22 Responses to I’m sorry I ate your son – a note from the Witch

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