One Author’s Oprah Index

March 4, 2012 § 24 Comments

Number of times Oprah called me:  0

Number of times Oprah butt-dialed me:  0

Number of times I got a first-hand account from another author of what it was like to be called by Oprah:  1

Number of times during that first hand account I accidentally screamed why you and not me God why why why:  4

Number of my novels Oprah has read:  0

Number of my novels Oprah’s picture has read: 1 (See archives)

Year of Oprah’s last book club selection:  2010

Year of Oprah’s last show: 2011

Number of writers who understand Oprah no longer has a show or a book club:  1,447,809

Number of writers who don’t:  1

Number of times I met James Frey before he published his memoir, A Million Little Pieces, and Oprah cast him from the garden:  1

Times I have fantasized about Oprah and I having dinner together in a quaint restaurant by the pounding sea: 172

Number of times, in that fantasy, I whisper across the table my darkest secret to trustworthy Oprah (Oprah, I have an undescended testicle), and she replies, Use it, girl. Use it in your writing, then goes on to say, Your words make my heart jump up and down on a couch, and slides her hand across the table to lightly cover mine, as I look at her hand and realize she has a special manicure with the letters on each nail filigreed upside down so that I can read them:  K A T H Y:  172

Number of Oprah book club winners I sent a mini replica of House of Gentle Men and asked them to kiss it for luck:  22

Number who wrote me back:  2 (Isabel Allende, Maeve Binchy)

Number who called me:  1 (Melinda Haynes)

Number who actually kissed my book in front of me: 1 (Chris Bojahlian)

Who was responsible that after all this time I just happened to move to Santa Barbara and Oprah just happened to move to its close neighbor, Montecito: God

Number of miles I now live from Oprah’s Montecito estate: 13.4

Number of light years:  439

Number of times I imagined Oprah in my hot tub guzzling merlot, hair damp and skin beaded, drunkenly screaming You get a car! as the lights come on in the house next door then and I hold my novel in front of my face and say, kiss my new novel for luck, Oprah, and her lips make a languid, merlot-stained journey forward through the steam and I totally move the book out of the way at the last second: 14

Number of times I just thought of a band named Oprah in My Hot Tub Guzzling Merlot: 1

Number of ads I am going to take out about my upcoming novel, Blue Asylum, in the Montecito Journal directed at my new neighbor, Oprah:  3

Number of times she will read these ads:  0

Number of times her picture will read these ads: 3

Year I figured out Harpo was Oprah spelled backward: 2004

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§ 24 Responses to One Author’s Oprah Index

  • The Rabbit says:

    How’s that tunnel to Montecito coming you’ve been working on? You’d make better progress if you’d use something other than a soup spoon, but it would make a less interesting story.

  • Scott Ware says:

    Number of times you’d allow yourself to get OWN’d by Oprah: infinite.

  • markmonteiro says:

    I watched “The King of Comedy” again last night and I think you should check it out. Your obsession with Oprah is starting to seem a lot like Rupert Pupkin’s obsession with Jerry Langford. Worked for him. Might work for you.

  • catfish says:

    You are most likely number one on your mother’s book club list. And isn’t that the whole point of this blog?

    Come to think of it, you’re a huge success after all.

  • Bob Stevens says:

    Thanks for making me spill my espresso as I fell down on the floor laughing. Not sure whether is was the disturbing images ( butt dialing or the merlot stained languid lips) but please sustain your dogged and maniacal pursuit of the “O” for all our benefit. I’m cleaning up now….

  • Lorraine Kraus says:

    Kathy, As a fellow writer and one who has taken many workshops, I can assure you that the obsession for O’s interest / approval is shared by many 🙂 That you combined your creative writing with your advertising background to create this hilarious gem is simply awesome. Love it.

  • Wait… that’s your darkest secret??

  • No. I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal.
    When you told me, in that dark, dank bar where they only served beer in cans, I just assumed you used that secret as a conversation starter. I strained my jaw trying to stop its natural reaction in hitting the floor in an attempt to be cool and accepting. You just laughed, so I figured I did the right thing. 🙂

  • Kelley says:

    Did you know that Oprah’s parents intended to name her Orpah, but it got spelled wrong on her birth certificate so they decided to stick with Oprah? True story.

  • cindymlove says:

    Number of times I applied during graduate school to work at Harpo in Chicago while having 0 journalism degrees, 0 public relations degrees, 0 writing skills, and 0 any kind of experience: Twice….all the while hoping Oprah would launch my television career and I’d leapfrog over her right on over to NBC and take over Katie Couric’s job when she left the Today Show….guess how that worked out?

    Reading your post, I’ve always known we had more in common than just the Rabbit.

  • Michele Wilhite says:

    Oprah has no idea what she missed out on! She would be even MORE famous today if she’d had you on her book club list! Big mistake! It begs the question ” How eager was she for new creative novels?” Obviously, not eager enough or she would have had ALL of yours on her list!

  • bridget says:

    No doubt tho you are her number one stalker. Number of times she has filed a restraining order….unknown….just had a vision of you sneaking into her hot tub and steadman tases you and oprah whacks you with a paper back version of you book and says bad kathy stay away…..

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