THANK YOU, FACEBOOK – 10 REASONS

February 8, 2012 § 23 Comments

1. For saving me from baking muffins and appearing at someone’s door when I could just post, Sorry for your loss 😦

2. For helping people find me who would otherwise just be a terrible memory.

3.  For giving me the outlandish popularity that makes a fiction of these Friday nights alone.

4.  For turning my Like-button-pressing thumb into a giant whore.

5.  For allowing total strangers to friend and subsequently defriend me, because they were tired of my imaginary shenanigans.

6.  For helping me keep up with my ex-boyfriend’s much-improved life without me.

7.  For the day I woke up, saw that my mother had friended me, and lost control of my bladder.

8.  For videos I don’t watch because I know they will make me sad, but which I Like anyway to show I am a sensitive person.

9.  For the “kill me” gaze of dressed-up pets staring out of Halloween photos.

10. For giving others a forum to tag me on photos in which I look fat, or drunk, or drunkenly fat, or fatly drunk.

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§ 23 Responses to THANK YOU, FACEBOOK – 10 REASONS

  • tim says:

    I’ve not thought you were fat when drunk, not even once.

  • Saintly Mother says:

    Well, I guess I can go on to the Happy-Hunting-Grounds, as continuing my efforts to keep secret certain character flaws of certain loved ones would be futile since they are flapping in the breezes on Facebook.

  • Are you sure those Hunting grounds would be happy, Mom?

  • Saintly Mother says:

    The hunting grounds I refer to happen to be owned by a family named Happy, who allow visitors to hunt down and eradicate any varmint that has robbed them of anything precious to them. The costs depends on whether you bring your own weapons and ammunition.

  • HA HA HA! I love that answer, Mom.

  • And then I get a notice from Facebook this very morning saying I logged in from Reston, VA. I’m not in VA. Kathy — what are you doing to my FB account? Did you sick the Rabbit on me? (they have very sharp teeth)

    So, not only can my FB account be used to post emotionally scarring rants, it can also be used by other people to post disgusting and embarrassing links. Something to look forward to, I guess. 🙂

    • It could be the Rabbit. Check and see if you have a small series of puncture wounds on your calf. She also may have left an “all my children can fly” tattoo. Are there any strange posts appearing on Facebook? I am wondering if someone hijacked your account or it’s just a quirk in the system.

      • Uhm, where, specifically should I check for this tattoo? I’m an old man so I feel pain all over my body all the time so isolating a new tat could be difficult.

        The FB thing really happened this morning. It’s just FB being proactive. I changed all my passwords and checked for disturbing posts on my page. All good.

  • dickbird says:

    you press the Like button with your thumb?

    • I spent some time thinking about that, actually. On my Mac air I position the curser of the Like button with my index finger and then press Enter with my thumb. So technically they are both whores.

  • dallasjones says:

    Ten More Reasons A Modest Kathy Would Never Mention

    11, Thank You Facebook – Who in the HELL are all these people and why are they posting pictures of their kids which I really have no interest in taking up a nanosecond of my time to view or comment on..

    12. Thank You Facebook for making me feel like a rat on a treadmill trying to entertain and respond to all the semi-literate comments from my minions.

    13. Thank You Facebook for cursing all who forgets my birthday, it’s posted.

    14. Thank You Facebook for making me work at making it look like Networking is effortless.

    15. Thank You Facebook for having to explain to my friends that my mother reads this – so watch what you say.

    16. Thank You Facebook for forcing me to burn my brain out thinking up new phrases of appreciation to idiot friends and their moronic ideas – * Suggestion Facebook: you should have a rotating list of complements that is automatically tacked on to each of my posts. My friends are beginning to suspect that I really believe they are morons when I keep saying the same compliments over and over Thanks, That’s Genius, I really like that idea, HaHaHa, I wish I’d thought of that, Incredible, Blah! Blah! Blah!).

    17. Thank You Facebook for the sleepless nights wondering if one of my posts will offend the wrong person and I will never work again.

    18. Thank You Facebook for looking up friends that used to post on my facebook but has gone silent and wondering if they have somebody cleverer to follow.

    19. Thank You Facebook for having to send some congratulations or birthday acknowlegement to people I really don’t give a rats ass about.

    20. And finally – Thank You Facebook for giving the world the opportunity to appreciate my brilliance..

    • The author has no political affiliation with the Phoenix and does not take responsibility for his post…but totally agrees about #13.

    • Saintly Mother says:

      Thank you, Thank you for verbalizing my fears about FB. I do worry about offending people. You know, some folks have no sense of humor, nor playfulness. I’m so glad you agreed to help me watch my Baby’s back. Seriously, I love your clever comments.

  • My first instinct was to “like” this post. WE ARE ALL DOOMED!

  • Leaving a “Cheap and Easy Like” on your post. I might bake you muffins/leave a sad face if something ever happened to your rabbit. Bummer about your mom finding you, I use a different name and I moved to Iceland to escape that fate. It’s worth considering; it’s really easy to do, just go under “Settings”.

    • NO YOU TELL ME STEPHANIE!!! You just have to move to Iceland to get away from your mother? then again when she writes in comments as funny as she was today, I am happy she found me. And that her ovary found one of my dad’s heroic freestyle swimmers. PS I subscribed to your blog. Dazzle me.

  • cousin bridget says:

    Ok aunt polly i have ammo lots of it and any weapon u may need i say we gear up like rambo in first blood and go hunting

  • Now you are only going to encourage her. Why don’t you take her to a poker game instead and keep her out of trouble?

  • Joan says:

    The family-owned Happy hunting grounds is the best line I’ve heard in ages. Your Saintly Mother is a very funny woman.

  • I’ve never been so proud of her, Joan. I actually might send her a little money to keep the heat on.

  • cousin bridget says:

    You know hunting then poker would work and im not sure who dickbird is but i love the name and want him on my paintball team

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