Life is a Cruel Baby Shaking its Rattle of Unfairness

October 19, 2011 § 11 Comments

Who is that dynamic athlete playing softball?  Why it is my mother.  Age what, fifty? No. Seventy-six.  What is the health regime of a woman who looks/acts like that? Funny you should ask:

Diet:  Salad without dressing, cereal, fried eggplant, sandwiches on whole wheat bread, squirrel/raccoon/whatever creature is unfortunate enough to wander into her vegetable garden, the occasional margarita and secret cigarette, which she keeps hidden in her barbecue pit.

Exercise:  Daily arm raises, occasional walks around the blocks while pointing out “sleazy teenagers” who dress inappropriately, chasing varmints around by moonlight with a shovel held high, stomping on the graves of long dead relatives while announcing they are “in hell,” stealing the mustard greens from the garden of her enemy JT Slater, casting her fishing lure into the trees, and flipping the bird with her toes (burns seven calories an hour but it adds up).

Life Fairness Quotient:  0/10

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§ 11 Responses to Life is a Cruel Baby Shaking its Rattle of Unfairness

  • Cam Giblin says:

    My great uncle was born in the late 1800’s. He was a chain smoker and suffered mustard gas poisoning by the Germans (before they had Nazis).

    He lived to be a 102.

    I get winded chasing my bus home.

  • Cam Giblin says:

    The Tumblr or the Blogspot? If you chose the Blogspot, congrats, you are now subscribed to the small business I run with Darcie’s estranged ex-boyfriend.

    It’s a complex friendship, but that strange little Tim Burton character of a girl is very dear to my heart. What’re you doing in Portland?

  • Michele Wilhite says:

    You know what they say……if you want to know what a young woman will be like, ( body-wise), look at her mother! Lucky you!

  • jeff says:

    i wonder how much $$$$$ she will get for being the star in the next Nike campaign?

  • cousin bridget says:

    I only hope to live that long to take on her personality. And flip the bird at people with my toes and not be arrested. Go aunt polly and these teens do dress inappropriate. As a matter of fact if i am graced with living that Long and healthy. I may buy a big a$$ 1979 gas guslin lincoln with a big push bumper and from time to time play ten points. And accidently run over others my age that have peed me off through. The years… I may not kill em put ill be sure to knock the tennis balls off their walkers. When the police show ill fake dementia!

    • Saintly Mother says:

      Bridget, I am in the market for a new FAVORITE DAUGHTER, as my current one has become downright insolent. Are you available for adoption? (P.S. Don’t tell you-know-who because she is taking me to Vegas at Thanksgiving and she might get stingy with the rolls of quarters she has promised me, which would put a real damper on my fun.)

      • Cousin Bridget says:

        Of course aunt polly ive been trying to get out of my family For years. I will Gladly knock rabbid coons out for ya, and set snares for those dang squirrels…. And of course its our secret kathy doesn’tHave to know. You may want to wait till after your trip thow I need my quarters for laundry lol and I have never been farther west that brownwood tx . Sorry but u would be adopting a very poor daughter. Love you

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