Life is a Cruel Baby Shaking its Rattle of Unfairness
October 19, 2011 § 11 Comments
Who is that dynamic athlete playing softball? Why it is my mother. Age what, fifty? No. Seventy-six. What is the health regime of a woman who looks/acts like that? Funny you should ask:
Diet: Salad without dressing, cereal, fried eggplant, sandwiches on whole wheat bread, squirrel/raccoon/whatever creature is unfortunate enough to wander into her vegetable garden, the occasional margarita and secret cigarette, which she keeps hidden in her barbecue pit.
Exercise: Daily arm raises, occasional walks around the blocks while pointing out “sleazy teenagers” who dress inappropriately, chasing varmints around by moonlight with a shovel held high, stomping on the graves of long dead relatives while announcing they are “in hell,” stealing the mustard greens from the garden of her enemy JT Slater, casting her fishing lure into the trees, and flipping the bird with her toes (burns seven calories an hour but it adds up).
Life Fairness Quotient: 0/10