The Horror, The Whore

October 5, 2011 § 10 Comments

 

My mother likes to rent movies.  G-rated movies with a boy and a horse and pretty scenery and no one using bad words, even if they are shot by Confederates.  You see, my mom is a Southern lady in every part of her body but the middle toe of her right foot, which she once stuck out a car window and used to flip off a rude truck driver (true story). So what possessed me to rent Monster’s Ball and watch it with my mother?  I remembered it had a lot of Southern foliage and forgot the opening scene with the prostitute..and the birdcage scene…and the bedroom scene…Suffice it to say that my mother put up a brave front but at one point lurched from the room (birdcage scene) Later that night I found her sobbing in the living room and watching Sounder on a loop.  I mentioned this story to some friends and got back some great ones.  Like:

Watching Et Tu Mama Tambien with in a movie theater with your father.

Watching I am Love with your husband’s 94 year old grandmother.

Seeing Tracy Morgan’s stand-up act with your boyfriend’s parents.

It seems that X-rated content plus G-rated fogies = horrified scar on the psyche.

Got any stories?

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§ 10 Responses to The Horror, The Whore

  • eric a says:

    A friend of mine sent matching LA Lakers tee shirts, hats and wristbands to my mother and I after the team won the championship. The next day I was going to drive her around town to do her errands, so she decided to wear her new Lakers outfit. Purple & gold T-shirt, purple hat, gold wristbands. As she got in the car she suggested I put on my new apparel – so we could match. I shuddered at the thought and told her wearing matching clothes is more of an Asian custom (the Chinese call it Pearukku or ‘pair look’) and that having already suffered the humiliation of having to move back in with her due to my financial situation, there was no way in Hell I was going to drive around town wearing the exact same outfit as her. That I found the idea so distasteful, so horrific, that – exact words- “I would actually rather have sex with you – than go out in public wearing matching outfits with you!”
    I regretted this particular hyperbole instantly. My mom sat in the passenger seat, quiet, with a confused look on her face. I told her I was joking, to make a point. She said she was just hurt that I found matching her to be so distasteful.
    To lighten the mood, I got a movie for us to watch together. Back to the Future seemed safe. I had forgotten how much of the movie revolves around Michael J Fox from the present avoiding his mother from the past’s advances. Exasperated, I complained out loud, “My God, I’d rather watch hardcore porn with you, than this shit.” Fuck.

    • Dear God Eric that wins the prize for most enduringly awkward evening. Reminds me of the time I told my mother that if Bosnian soldiers burst into our house I would shoot her first because I knew she wouldn’t want to see me get shot. Long silence on the phone.
      I meant well and I’m sure you did too.

      • eric a says:

        From “Untranslatable words”
        Ya’aburnee – Arabic – Both morbid and beautiful at once, this incantatory word means “You bury me,” a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

        I guess you are the anti-ya’aburnee.

  • Bridget says:

    I have nothing that compares to eric thats so funny.kathy way back when i was a young teen there was a very popular song im sure you remember it went something like dont want no short short man. Well thanksgiving rolled around and i had the pleasure of riding with my two cousins to pick up my maw maw Douga and her brother cy . I think you met them once. Cy is the uncle that had full on turrets and would repeat and scream out these things at the worst times.he was very parrot like in that. Well we had a tape in the car of the dont want no short man song. We played it a couple times bc my mawmaw was laughing. Something she did around us grandkids and then acted super serious and religious around our parents. We arrived at thanksgiving dinner with them two and uncle cy had that song apparently stuck in his head and would yell out ” dont want dont want don’t want”. We tried to hush em but much to our dismal he could not be silenced. Shortly after the blessing was giving and people were about to line up for the meal, cy let out a scream of horrow followed by ” dont want dont want no short short man”. The looks us girls received was indescribable. And yes he continued this from time to time for about week. 😉

    • eric a says:

      Turrets is by far my favorite disease. I sometimes pretend i have it so I can shout out loud what we are all thinking but are too polite to say. “18 items dumbass! stupid stupid can’t count. 15 items maximum idiot dummy stupid fool!” is my most popular.

  • I found myself going to the THEATRE and seeing Prick Up Your Ears with my Dad. Not that he was a particularly stuffy guy. In fact, he was an intellectual with a terrific sense of humor. Ok. I was the one with the problem.

  • kelly beck-byrnes says:

    My mother bought tickets for the family to a Las Vegas show. Turns out it was topless. As I sat between my father and brother that evening I imagined the conversation I would have with my therapist:
    Therapist: What part of you subconsciously desired to manifest this?
    Me: You’re fired.

  • Jason K. says:

    I came home from college one weekend and found my mother and stepfather watching “The Color of Night,” a sexy thriller starring Bruce Willis. We watched together uncomfortably for about 15 minutes as Bruce fucked some thin-hipped model in a pool, and then in a shower, and then a therapist’s couch — at which point my mother finally said, “I know you’re old enough to watch this, and I’m certainly old enough to watch this, but I will never be old enough to watch this with you.” And then she shut it off and we watched Everybody Loves Raymond.

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