Unauthorized Quotes

Through the years, my mother has unleashed a small dictionary of Southern squirrel-hating, scantily-clad-teenager-disapproving, folksy, unedited wisdom upon the world, much of which she denies.

A sampling:

Your hair does not say “success.”

I am going to give you a book party because you will never have a wedding.

Your heart is good but your mind is evil.

(To My Sister Becky)  Is Kathy a lesbian? It’s okay if she is.

(To my sister Becky, age nine, when she threw up at a Fourth of July picnic): Have a few more Cokes and brownies.

Kathy’s friend Alda:  Kathy is the most successful businesswoman I know.

My mother:  HA HA HA HA HA HA!  (laughing so hard she almost dropped phone)

Hell if I know.  (when asked the name of a long-lost cousin she fervently embraced at a reunion)

(Loving memories at the gravesite of an uncle while she was being taped by my sister for the family archives): He was a bastard and he belongs in hell.  (Stomps on grave)

(About her lifelong enemy, JT Slater):  I feel a peace about him after I stole his mustard greens.

(Showing off her blinding orange hair, the kind of color that, if it were on a Calico cat, would cause the cat to be put down immediately): I mixed two different hair colors myself.

(Upon meeting the first boyfriend I ever brought home): That boy looks dirty.  And he has a big nose.

(The story she ran around telling the neighbors after I refused to clobber a raccoon with a stick after it ate all the figs off her tree):

My daughter was willing to sacrifice the safety of her mother for a rabid raccoon!

§ 14 Responses to Unauthorized Quotes

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Blue Asylum

    Purchase My Lastest Book - Blue Asylum

    Blue Asylum - (click to buy)

  • Here’s My Story

    My mother will eventually stumble upon this blog because after twenty years she has already figured out email. Once she does find it, every post will be written with the knowledge she is somewhere shaking her head disapprovingly and mumbling “I never.” Until then, this blog will be filled with advice on publishing and writing, book news, and general rambling.

  • Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 220 other followers

  • Blog Pages

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 220 other followers

%d bloggers like this: